Scenes We'd Like To See

"I want to see some action like this on the court!"

- Genevieve McMahon

Well, players? Can we see it?

The Tout Board

Kane netted -$2 today, with $1 coming in and $3 going out.

Running total: $3

Today's Action: Day 4 Results!

Game 1:

Tres Huevos (Clemens/Jance) vs. Lunar Platoon (Morgan/Gibby)

Having your inaugural game against newly crowned prohibitive favorite Lunar Platoon is not really how you'd choose to open your tournament play, especially as a rookie, like Michael Clemens of Tres Huevos. The pressure cooker of Centre Court is nearly too much for seasoned pros. Add Gibby's Drunken Master Style and Morgan's genius with our gravity and it's a recipe for disaster.

What we didn't realize is that Tres Huevos had something up its sleeve, as well. Their "poor us" routine had everyone fooled into thinking this would be a cakewalk of Cannon Fodder-ish proportions. They couldn't possibly win, right? Well, eyes and ears perked up when Tres Huevos forged a ten point lead built upon solid play, timely spikes, and an avalanche of biffs by Lunar Platoon. What in the name of stingray barbs was going on? Will slumped visibly as his vacation money went spiraling into Kane's pocket, having bet on the favorites. Gibby and Morgan's joints went all limp as they drug themselves around the court like ragdolls, the deficit building insurmountably. Seriously, they looked like marionettes that even their puppetmaster had given up on.

The score tightened a little bit, but truthfully, this one wasn't as close as the score would indicate.

Who will be the new King?

Tres Huevos over Lunar Platoon
21-15

Game 2:

Roscoe P. Coltrane (Jeremie/Chuck) vs. The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise)

...bonesaw...

Bonesaw

Bonesaw!

Bonesaw!!

BONESAW!!!

BONESAW!!!!!

Who cares if they lost?

The Dooze over Roscoe P. Coltrane
21-17

The Bonesaw

After his defeat in last year's tournament, Chuck Duke stated, "I'm retiring the Bedazzler..." For those who don't remember, The Bedazzler was his beloved paddle, complete with gun handle, rosary talisman, and disco ball embellishment. A lot of people thought, "Oh, he's just emotional now. The Bedazzler will be back." True to his word and against popular opinion, Chuck has indeed retired The Bedazzler from competition. The replacement? The Bonesaw.

Feast your eyes. In the eyes of the league, this paddle is completely legal. Are you kidding? F@#$ yeah.

Definition

A shot to the pills is defined as when the ping pong ball hits a player or observer in the pills, or in the case of Jean Shen, the pillular area, regardless of whether it was a direct or deflected shot. If the ball hits the pills, it counts. Speed, trajectory, or number of ricochets prior to connection with the pills does not factor into whether or not a shot is a true pillshot. While a direct hit is certainly more satisfying, a deflected shot is no less legitimate.

Keep this in mind when wagering on this particular aspect of the games from here on out.

The Tout Board

Kane netted $1 today, with $2 coming in and $1 going out.

Running total: $5

Today's Action: Day 3 Results!

Game 1:

Cannon Fodder (Jim Meyer/Davy) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Safe to say that Junkiebone was heavily favored for today's tilt. This might actually be a massive understatement along the lines of:

- there was a malfunction on the Hindenburg,
- the Black Knight suffered a mere flesh wound at the hands of King Arthur, and
- Custer had a bad day at Little Big Horn

Regardless, Cannon Fodder is a fan favorite, quite possibly because both team members smiled during the course of a single game. I believe this is the first time this has happened. They may have even been smiling simultaneously at one point, which is most definitely unprecedented.

Please, let's give Davy and Jim a round of applause for being good sports. Seriously: Bravo, gents.

Junkiebone over Cannon Fodder
21-11

The Bracket

This is the bracket that we're using for the duration of the tournament. As you can see, some teams will have to play one more game than others. This is a fact of life when you've got twelve teams. It would have been more cocked up had we not squeezed out that twelfth team, believe me.

We're finished with all of the first round games, with four teams going to the Loser's Bracket and four teams remaining in the Winner's Bracket to play the teams with the first round byes.

I'll have a hard copy of this bracket with me during break when the games are played, with the team names filled in the appropriate slots.

Let me know if you have any questions. Please state them in the form of a question and not in the form of a whine.

He's At It Again!

You all remember Kane, right? The guy who emptied out your wallets in last year's tournament? Yeah, well, guess what. He's raking it in again! He took on all bettors and every wacky wager sent his way and cleaned up to the tune of 4 for 4. How does he do it?

He'll be out there again today, money in hand, no doubt. Are you going to take his success as an opportunity to be small and shrink from risk or see it as a chance to bring down the king? Are you going to be Biff or McFly?

The Quotable Chuck Duke

"He's licked that thing into a Dr. Seuss shape!"
- Chuck Duke

Smack dab in the middle of Game 2 action yesterday, Chuck Duke was mesmerized by a sight that had nothing to do with pong. He had a plum seat courtside, yet was looking past the table at none other than the Late John K and his daily Sugar Daddy, which he had indeed sculpted into a hypnotizing curlicue configuration not unlike a fanciful Dr. Seuss-like creation. Once Chuck brought the confection to my attention, I honestly had trouble looking at anything else, too. To the naked eye, it certainly seemed like we were enjoying the game, but if you looked closely you would have seen that our eyes never followed the ball.

Today's Action: Day 2 Results!

Game 1:

The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise) vs. Quirk (Stephen Q/Kirk)

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but was this the most ornery game of table tennis you've ever seen? Did anyone crack a smile? Did one single participant seem to be enjoying themselves in the least? Did any of the players not look like they were in horrible anguish? Jiminy crackers, people, it's a pong tournament, not the Cuban Missile Crisis! For the love of low blood pressure, lighten up! I haven't seen faces that grim since Brezhnev was in office, threatening to blow up the U.S. every other day.

Jeepers!

Ok, where was I?

Raise your hand if you felt a little bad for Kirk. My hand is up. Not in a pitying way, but Blaise just looked a little too...oh, what's the word...psychotic in his quest to not just defeat Quirk, but to actually destroy them, and unfortunately for Kirk, he had to return all of Blaise's shots. For that matter, I can't be entirely sure that Blaise didn't finish the game, hop in his truck, and hunt down Kirk's whole family tree. The kid was intense! Kirk wore his lucky pong pants today, but to no avail. He didn't take one in the pills, but the York bloodline was ended by a shot that whistled through the center of Kirk's paddle.

Someone please ask Andy to show up to the next Dooze game with the studio tranquilizer gun...

The Dooze over Quirk
21-9


Game 2:

Weenie Beenie (Jess/Nate) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Ever seen a man dislocate his elbow...again and again and again? Watch Nate Reid serve and you can answer that question in the affirmative. He's one of the few players on the tour who does a full-body serve. I'm guessing that even his toes curl up in some sort of odd configuration before he unfurls that service. Holy!

And while we're here asking all sorts of questions, has any one seen this model Joel since he won the tournament back in 2003? Dude, the guy was smoking hot and laser-accurate. Seriously, he hasn't been this sharp in a while, and Doug, who hasn't been seen on the court at all since 2003, is certainly the beneficiary of Joel's refocus.

Junkiebone took this one, but only a fool counts out Weenie Beenie. Once Jess bScrews his game back up to rat 1, it's going to get nutty.

Junkiebone over Weenie Beenie
21-16

Eye Spy With My Little Eye: John K!

Yes, celebrity stalkers, that was the Late John K you saw at Centre Court today. John K was enjoying a Sugar Daddy and reveling in it's awesomely rich caramel...from beyond the grave!!

Yeah!

Today's Action: Day 1 Results!

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Yeah, the crowd was a little nuts today...

Game 1:

Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

A robust crowd! Willing participants! Money on the table! It's tournament time!

After what seemed like an interminable volley for serve, followed by three more service volleys and one more for good luck, play actually started and it sounded something like this:

Pfft!

JParm apparently thought he was still volleying, because he biffed the first three shots. What the?! Someone remarked that JParm never blows that many shots in a row. He also never has a second cup of coffee at home! What was going on?? Was there a strategy or did he just stink? Was JParm trying to do the impossible, send his team to the Loser's Bracket just so he could make a show of winning the championship by running the table from behind the 8-ball? Well, whatever he was up to, he and JBrown made amends toot short and before you knew it, the score was knotted at 5. Great times! The crowd was into it now. Guido, always solid, used his veteran wiles to keep the ball in play. The play of the wild card, the previously unknown entity known as Adam York, was a bit of a shock, though. You know how, in war movies, when the good guys are hunkered behind the big rock and the enemy is pinging shots all around them and the ricocheting bullets sound a little something like ""p-Tiiiiing!"? Well, that's what some of Adam's shots sounded like. CRACK-p-Tiiing! Holy! He was rifling shots all over the table, some returned, some not, but is it hot in here or did the overall level of expected play just rise in here? Very exciting stuff. All players were at the top of their games. Tres cool!

The game was tight until about 12, but the J's put their heads together and took advantage of some misplays and pulled away. Nougat mounted a mini-comeback to tighten the score to 16-20, but it was too late.

The Lollipop Guild over Ted Nougat
21-16

And what's this? Is it true? Do we really have...

Game 2?:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Lunar Platoon (Gibby/Morgan)

After taking attendance, we found that we were one person short of a second game. Guido disappeared into the Animation department with a knurled club and returned with Gibby in tow. Holy! I was told that Gibby went home drunk, but apparently I was misinformed! Game on!

The fans were treated to a marquee matchup very early in the tournament. Toss It had been bandied about in many circles as being one of the true favorites, but Gibby is never to be underestimated. The key was Morgan. Could he keep up with the heavy hitters? What the audience did not know is that Morgan was outed at the company picnic as being from the Moon. He's new on our planet. Morgan can do things with our gravity that we Earthlings can only dream of. How would that come into play? Is he just toying with us?

The contestants approached the table and Mike B was greeted with a rousing chorus of boos, proving that his new reformation, as evidenced by the pink "Humble" hat he was wearing, was not fully embraced by the crowd at large. Service rally was considerably shorter and the match was on.

CRACK P-TIIING CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK P-TIIIING CRACK P-TIIING!!!!!

Crikey! It was like a shooting gallery out there! Blaise, Ralves and Heather scurried to safer locales to protect their future ability to conceive or bear children, lest they take an errant shot in the pills or the pillular region. People put their hands in their pockets to avoid the embarrassment of having them sheared off accidentally. The pace was fast and most definitely furious. It seemed that every point was a slam with an impossible counter slam, followed by two more slams, which were also not to be believed. This was it! If pong could be like this all the time, Heaven would be here on Earth (or the Moon, in Morgan's case, I guess). Lunar Platoon worked their way to a slight advantage and held on for a very dramatic win. The unthinkable had occurred. Toss It had been sent to the Loser's Bracket.

Lunar Platoon over Toss It
21-16

Tribute

To honor the passing of the world's beloved Crocodile Hunter, this year's pong tournament will heretofore be known as Tippett Studio's Steve Irwin Memorial Pong Tournament 2006.

Crikey, indeed.

Dentistry

Here we are, first day of the tournament, and would someone please tell me why I'm having so much trouble finding four complete teams to play! For a bunch of folks excited to play a pong tournament (so excited, in fact, that you've been bugging me for months!), you have an odd way of showing it. It's like pulling teeth getting you people organized!

Anyway, we've got ONE game on for today. One measly game. Well, we've got to start somewhere. Maybe everyone's still on vacation, either mentally or physically. I have a feeling that things will pick up as the week continues.

One measly game ON!