No Pong Today!

Let's see if we can get two games on Monday. One game per day does not excitement make.

I encourage you all to step away from the table and get some sun. It's good for you.

The Tout Board

Kane netted $4 today, all coming in and none going out. In everyone's face!

Running total: $5

Hurry up and play the lottery, Kane! Today's your lucky day.

Today's Action: Day 8 Results!

Game 1:

Tres Huevos (Clemens/Jance) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Dueling orange shirts! Clemens and Joel both tried the orange shirt ploy today. You see, if you wear an orange shirt, what with the ball being orange and all, your opponent can't really get a fix on the ball until it's right on top of them and way too late.

In theory, anyway.

This looked to be Doug and Joel's first big test. They got through some soft opponents in previous games, so this should have been a good judge of how well they'd do. We've seen what Clemens can do when he's sharp and apparently Jance was ridiculously good at break. This had all the makings...

Again, in theory.

Seems that Jance left his game back in time at 1:30 and forgot to bring it with him. The newly slimmed-down Clemens ripped off a few really nifty slams, but was missing as often as he was hitting and got so frustrated that he tried to pill Joel...on his serve! That was a new one. Did anyone have a bet down on that?

The Huevos fell behind by a million, caught up to within six, but the magic ran out. Ding-dong.

Junkiebone over Tres Huevos
21-13

Note To Rally Chimp: Use Your Head

Oy.

Guido informed me days ago that he was unavailable to play today. He'll be in the trainer's room today at break, getting a little physical therapy on that knee so he'll last through this marathon of a tournament.

So, a few more painkillers for Guido, a few less for Rally Chimp. Tall, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son...

Can I Get A Burger With That Shake?

A girl actually said that to me in college as she was walking behind me and staring at my butt. Not exactly sure what she meant, but the fact that she was cute, staring at my scrawny rear, and not convulsing seemed pretty cool at the time.

We're deep into the bracket now and things are heating up. The Winner's Bracket is getting very narrow and we've already had some casualties in the Loser's Bracket. Nobody wants to give an inch, nobody wants to lose, everyone is looking for the killing blow. Now is a perfect time to get excited. Please speak with your doctor before jumping on the bandwagon. People with hypertension, gout, shingles, piles, the grippe, heart trouble, and women who are pregnant may want to skip this ride.

Bracket Breakdown:

Winner's Bracket:

Tres Huevos
Junkiebone
Lollipop Guild

Loser's Bracket:

The Dooze
Lunar Platoon
Ted Nougat
Toss It
Roscoe P. Coltrane
Weenie Beenie

Eliminated:
Quirk
Cannon Fodder
El Vez

Today's Games:

Lunar Platoon vs. Ted Nougat (Elimination Game!)

Tres Huevos vs. Junkiebone

See you at break!

The Tout Board

Kane netted $2 today, with $2 coming in and none going out.

Running total: $1

He can almost buy himself a Pepsi from the machine.

Upcoming Match-ups!

Just to entice you, get an eyeful of these flaming hot tilts!

Tres Huevos vs. Junkiebone!

Lunar Platoon vs. Ted Nougat!

Toss It vs. Roscoe P. Coltrane!

The action will be so sick that you shouldn't count on your bowels to hold. Bring an extra pair of pants.

The Bets Are Getting Strange

The oddest one today: Will John K make an appearance at Centre Court?

Those who bet on "yes" went home a little shy.

Next thing you know, they'll be betting on Jean Shen: skirt or pants?

Today's Action: Day 7 Results!

Game 1:

Cannon Fodder (Jim Meyer/Davy) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

The next time you see Davy, thank him for participating and smoothing the bracket.

The next time you see Jim Meyer, thank him for participating and ask him about his painted toes! Fancy!

And just so I can pad this entry, can anyone tell me how good or bad Ted Nougat is? Nearly two weeks into the tournament and we have no better fix on them than before the team was even formed. The perfect wild card. One thing is sure. We'll know more when they meet their next opponent: Lunar Platoon.

Ted Nougat over Cannon Fodder
21-6

The Tout Board

Kane netted -$1 today, with $3 going out and $2 coming in.

Running total: -$1

I told you that now was the time to strike. Get to fleecing!

Today's Action: Day 6 Results!

Game 1:

El Vez (Will/Ralves) vs. Weenie Beenie (Nate/Jess)

Another elimination game. Someone was going home. But who? Right from the get-go, you could tell that all the players wanted another game. Nobody was ready to go home yet. Ralves was still using the lightsaber paddle, but lo and behold, it seemed as though he'd actually gained some mastery over it. Will played to the crowd, but only at a 35% rate, well below his usual 87%. They were on target and keeping the score close. Nate worked his patented Twister serve (Auntie Em! Auntie Em!) to keep Beenie slightly ahead. Jess was working the entire playing surface and El Vez started to fall behind. Down by 7 in the late stages of the game, it looked like the end. Finding a resolve they may not have thought they had, El Vez forged on, tightened the score, and scared the pants off Weenie Beenie and Rebecca Warner (you were probably too focused on the game to notice). El Vez down by two! 18-16! Tasty pudding!

Alas, there wasn't quite enough in the tank. Beenie pulled its game back together and their pants back up and finished the job.

Weenie Beenie over El Vez
21-16

Game 2:

The Dooze (Jonny T/Blaise) vs. Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown)

Kirk: "I guess The Dooze is the Darth Vader of the tournament. Nobody wants them to win."
Brian: "Worse than that. They're Anakin."

Ouch! It hurts, but it's true. From the very first point, the crowd was heavily favoring the Lollipop Guild. Judging by the cheering at 1-0, you'd have thought that JParm had stepped onto the surface of Jupiter and JBrown offered to give everyone a million in cash. The Guild breezed through first service and led 4-1, but The Dooze caught up soon enough. This was going to be tight!

The next sound we heard could be described as the Dooze's wheels exploding then coming off, combined with a freight train wreck, mixed with an avalanche in the Alps, and a carton of eggs hitting the kitchen floor. The Dooze...wow. Words fail me (you wish!). The sound that we heard after that could be described as pure glee. The crowd was loving it! This was the most lopsided win in the tournament and fans nearly burst into flames from happiness. The Dooze absolutely fell apart as the Guild ripped off something like twelve straight points. One minute it was 8-6, the next it was 19-8. Unreal. Even JParm was flabbergasted, as suggested by his I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-but-I'm-glad-I'm-on-this-side-of-the-table look. Blaise became even more tightly wrapped as things unraveled (ironic!) and whistled a shot into JBrown's dice, hoping to swing the momentum, but there was no turning this tide.

Why is it that we love to hate The Dooze? When did they turn into the Oakland Raiders? Do we even care?

Everyone needs a villain.

Lollipop Guild over The Dooze
21-9

Lunar Platoon's Pregame Ritual

The comic stylings of Morgan and Gibby.

(Note: If you're mildly dyslexic, typing "Gibby" very easily becomes "Biggy," which is pretty darned funny for a second or two.)

A Man Who Needs No Introduction

Adolphe Menjou: Hollywood royalty, ladies man, pong aficionado...as far as you know.

Fortunes Falling!

As you can see by the Tout Board, the time to strike is now. Kane has completely lost his winning touch, just like investors in 1929 completely lost their minds.

If you're of a mind to make a million, head down to Centre Court tomorrow with a fistful of dollars and make your killing.

The Tout Board

Kane netted -$3 today, with $3 going out and none coming in.

Running total: $0

Today's Action: Day 5 Results!

Game 1:

El Vez (Will/Ralves) vs. Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown)

Have you ever seen the movie Undead? It's a zombie movie where the local sheriff goes from being a mincing pansy in one shot to a take-charge blowhard the next, and the de-facto male lead stands motionless one moment and then moves with Matrix-style pseudo-martial-arts ability the next. After about ten minutes of having every character ping-pong back and forth between wildly disparate personality traits, my wife turned to me and asked, "What other movies have you got?" I couldn't blame her, but we let the movie run since there were elements that were mildly entertaining, albeit with absolutely no emotional investment from us. It was like ninety minutes of card tricks; nothing to get too excited about.

So, Ralves came out with his lightsaber paddle, Will let the first serve go past him while saying, "I didn't like that one," and someone turned to me and said, "What other games have we got?"

Lollipop Guild over El Vez
21-12

Game 2:

Lunar Platoon (Gibby/Morgan) vs. Quirk (Kirko/Stephen Q)

"This is like watching Joe Pesci opening for Eddie Murphy."
- Brian Smith

I told Brian that I had no idea what that meant. He corrected himself and said that it was like watching Joe Piscopo opening for Eddie Murphy. I still didn't understand, but I did feel that he was on the right track regardless.

This was the first elimination game of the tournament, so naturally there was a little more at stake. The loser would go home empty handed. The winner would get to continue on and have every game from here on out be an elimination game, as well. Welcome to the Loser's Bracket, where the pressure is so thick you can swirl it into a wafer cone and add rainbow sprinkles.

After Morgan woke Gibby up from his afternoon nap, it was game on. Safe to say that this was the game with the most points played below waist level. Lots of solidly hit balls ticking the net, causing the players to adjust their positioning and scoop a lot of knee-high returns. Thrilling play all the way, with the extra burden of playing with the Pong Reaper hovering just behind. Tim D came to the court looking to wager on the game going to Deuce and everyone, including the Pong Reaper, thought he was nuts. Little did we know how close we'd get.

The score was 15-20, with Q serving. Five genius serves to Morgan and we'd be looking at the tightest game yet and Tim D putting a downpayment on a house. First serve: Morgan couldn't handle the wily spins! 16-20! Second serve: Point to Quirk! Morgan was having a devil of a time! Third serve...

There is no joy in Quirkville; Mighty Q has struck out. Nothing but air.

Lunar Platoon over Quirk
21-17

Scientific Game Analysis

Working through the night, local scientists were able to pinpoint a weakness in Lunar Platoon's game, which Tres Huevos exploited to earn a victory Friday.

It's been discovered that Gibby is completely blind.


- photo copyright 2006 Jess Vickery