Hyperbole!

Holy cow! I just crapped my pants thinking about the Championship Matchup!

Toss It!

Junkiebone!

Jean!

Mike B!

Doug!

Joel!

Old school vs. Half New School!

Two former champions!

Two non-former champions!

I can't stop using exclamation points!!

The Tout Board

Tiny Tim still on the disabled list. Perhaps we'll see him Monday for one last hurrah.

Running total: $12

Today's Action: Day 13 Results!

Game 1:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown)

The winner of this game would be the winner of the Loser's Bracket and earn the right to play Junkiebone in the finals. Lollipop Guild traveled deeply into the Winner's Bracket, losing only in the last pairing. If they won, it would be a rematch with Junkiebone for the title. Toss It playing their fifth game in three days, have battled back from the edge of elimination time and time again playing a slew of hotly contested games with no easy victories. Two of the best teams in the tournament, head to head, winner take all, loser goes home. This one, as they say, had all the makings. Would Toss It be worn out from all of the tension or battle tested and stoked on momentum? Would Lollipop Guild be too complacent, never having stared elimination in the face before or would their confidence be the ingredient to stopping Toss It's bum-rush to the top?

The points were tight, the action very fast, but Toss It was able to pick their way to an 8-point advantage that they weren't about to relinquish. Lollipop Guild dug themselves too deep a hole to come back from. They weren't as sharp as they could have been and Toss It couldn't have been much sharper.

Toss It was one point away from elimination without any tournament wins two days ago (remember back to their match with Roscoe P. Coltrane and how they had lost advantage at deuce!) and now they're in the Championship Pair. Unbelievable. Nobody predicted that. Now it's Junkiebone's turn to face the juggernaut.

Toss It over Lollipop Guild
21-12

Two (Or Three) Games Left!

Too much excitement? You be the judge. Today's game features the newly unstoppable force against the yin/yang of roboticism and hilarity. Toss It vs. Lollipop Guild. The winner will face Junkiebone in the championship pair on Monday!

Zounds! See you out on the court today for a hi-toned battle of wills!

The Tout Board

Tiny Tim remained home to day to convalesce. No bets today.

Today's Action: Day 12 Results!

Game 1:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Tres Huevos (Jance/Clemens)

Would someone please wake up Clemmy!



The man looked downright sleepy out there today and unfortunately, it was elimination day. I wish I had something more exciting to write, but this one was over right after it started. Toss It blew out to a quick 7-1 lead and the game didn't get much closer. The Huevos nearly pulled into spitting distance at one point, but it was short lived. Toss It had it and Tres Huevos didn't.

Toss It over Tres Huevos
21-11

Game 2:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise)

In reference to Jonny's pants:

Rally Chimp: "Are those the pants of a champion?"
Jonny: "They're better than Kirk's!"
Joel: "He's right!"

Ok, onto the action.

If we had a radar gun, we would have been able to quantify how much faster this game was played over any other in the history of the tournament. I'm not saying that the game was over quickly. I'm saying that the ball was moving! Every shot was hit hard and fast and on the table. It was also the most athletic game I've seen. Everyone was everywhere on the court! Lots of movement, lots of speed, lots of excitement. I'd say that the action was fast and furious, but that phrase has been co-opted by Hollywood and I just won't use it. Unless Paul Walker was playing, which he wasn't. Or if Jessica Alba asked me to, which she didn't.

About halfway through this game, and it was subtle enough that you may have missed it, Jeremie and Ralves saved many lives. The game was so intense and so pressure-packed that people were starting to have physiological trouble. Mel sat next to me and was starting to look like a fish out of water, gasping for air, Steven Q wadded his shirt in his hands like his bowels were obstructed, JBrown was frantically rummaging through his pants pockets for his heart pills, and miles away, as he was recuperating, Kane's ankle inexplicably swelled up to the size of a ripe melon. Just when it looked like all was lost, Jeremie and Ralves succumbed to gravity and almost wound up on their rears as Court #2 miraculously slid out from under them. The screech of metal on pavement was nasty enough that the crowd was temporarily distracted enough for five or six points to go by unnoticed, allowing their bodies to normalize. Hooray! The game continued its frenzied pace through to the end, safely and without the need for paramedics (Sorry, Heather).

Great times.

Toss It over The Dooze
21-12

Toss It wins an unprecedented four games in two days. Congratulations.

Judge Tal

Jonny Tal says that you're all going down. Anyone have any objections?



- image by Ralves

It's Coming Down To The Wire!

If you've only been a casual observer, now is the time to really get focused. There are five teams left in the tournament and every game will be jam-packed with excitement. Grab your singles and be ready to bet. Grab your wig so it doesn't fly off.

Game on!

Teams remaining:

Junkiebone (winner of the Winner's Bracket)
Lollipop Guild
The Dooze
Tres Huevos
Toss It

Tout Down!

Only serious injury could keep Kane away from wagering and that's just what happened. He broke his ankle and will now be playing Tiny Tim in this year's Christmas Pageant.

Repeat after me: "God bless us, every one!"

No money in, but plenty of insurance money out.

Today's Action: Day 11 Results!

Game 1:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Roscoe P. Coltrane (Ryan/Jeremie)



Best game ever and it spawned the best quote ever.

"Shut Up!"
- Jean Shen

First deuce of the tournament. First team uniforms of the tournament. First pants-peeing of the tournament (the puddle was unattended, so we can't assign ownership). If you were there, you know what I'm talking about. If you missed it, you picked a bad day to be out taking a constitutional and have no idea what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Hello.

Toss It over Roscoe P. Coltrane
23-21

Game 2:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Weenie Beenie (Nate/Jess)

Right off the bat, this game had no chance to hold the audience's attention. How could you top the previous game? Wolverines jumping through flaming hoops above the table? Yeah, that would be one way.

Toss It, warmed up and ready to go, started through Weenie Beenie like a hot knife through soft butter. Ouch. They opened a decent lead and everyone's attention seemed to wander, until the mob realized something very interesting. Weenie Beenie were starting to hold serve very, very well. If they could steal a few points off the opposition's service, they could catch up. Jess and Nate put on a display of team service that I feel is the best we've seen. I think they were getting four out of every five. They tied it up! For the love of Mary Jane Girls! Comeback! Could we make deuce again? Two matches in a row?? Could Toss It withstand that sort of torque!

20-19! Weenie Beenie serving for deuce!!

Aww, nuts...

Toss It over Weenie Beenie
21-19

Wrong Sport, Right Idea

If there's one thing this year's tournament is sorely missing, it's the pill shot. C'mon, folks. It's a spectator sport. It's entertainment. Give the crowd something to cheer about! Sure, blistering serves and impossible returns are fun and games, but nothing beats the pill shot on the comedy scale. America's Funniest Home Videos stayed on the air for a decade or more (is it still on the air?) feeding the nation an embarrassment of people getting hit in the peanuts by a nearly infinite array of devices and objects. We're not smart. We don't need Noel Coward out there. We need a small, orange sphere speeding into someone's dice cup.

You don't even need to hit a competitor! There are plenty of innocent bystanders standing very close by. A smorgasboard of targets. The least you could do is give us one money shot per day.

Please.

New Team Photographer!

Marko is fired. Ryan Hood is the new photographer and the new Telly Savalas...unless I don't see any photos, then he's fired, too.

Welcome aboard, Ryan. Here's a lollipop...

The Tout Board

Kane won $4 today, all coming in and none going out. It's turning into Sucker Showcase out there.

Running total: $12

Double digits!

Today's Action: Day 10 Results!

Game 1:

The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

Flashback!

"Adam's heretofore unseen slamming prowess was nothing that anyone would have predicted. I'll give you that. But let's talk about Guido."

Yeah, well that was yesterday, people. We were treated to a pong spectacular yesterday, but yesterday's gone and today is a new day and we've got one less team in the tournament. Not sure where the love or the mojo went, but it was not Ted Nougat's day. Their strategy was impeccable, albeit very obvious, as everyone in the stadium was yelling, "Hit it to Blaise's backhand!!" It worked to perfection (can you say, "Major weakness?") when the ball stayed on the table, but alas, it didn't stay on often enough. I really thought that Adam was ready to tear his own head off his own neck. I have a feeling it was that Wisconsin Opry shirt he was wearing. Honestly, who wears that to an elimination game? Sure, in the first round, when you have a loss to give, it's fine. In the Loser's Bracket, though? It's like trying a new hairstyle before your wedding, isn't it? You wear your orange, you wear your black, you wear your G. G. Allin, but....Wisconsin Dells? Maybe it's so high-ended a strategy that I can't get my smooth brain around it. It's possible. I'm as sharp as a marble sometimes.

The Dooze over Ted Nougat
21-17

Hard To Believe

Not a single pill shot today. None. Zero. Nil.

A sad day for pong. Maybe you people can focus a little more tomorrow. Jeepers...

Celebrity Sighting: Michael Cullen

Great to see you out there, Michael!

The Tout Board

Kane won $3 today, all coming in and none going out. I don't know what was wrong last week, but Kane's on his game again and would like me to remind everyone to bring in singles tomorrow. He's not running a charity, people.

Running total: $8

Today's Action: Day 9 Results!

Game 1:

Lunar Platoon (Gibby/Morgan) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

Adam's heretofore unseen slamming prowess was nothing that anyone would have predicted. I'll give you that. But let's talk about Guido.

A year and a month ago, Guido served up some magic that was not to be believed. (Click here to refresh your memory.) We know for a fact that Morgan is from the Moon, but we still haven't determined the identity of Guido's home planet. And we know that he's not from here because he pulled that shit again! With the scores hovering closely together, somewhere around 5-5, Lunar Platoon was putting the finishing touches on a rally by pinpointing a shot where nobody could possibly return it, much less have hope for returning it in play. Well, where no human could return it, anyway. Guido glided in on silent jets to a location alongside the net, yet under the height of the table, aligned himself parallel to Earth's horizon, returned the shot on an angle only one degree different than the through-line of the net, and landed the ball in play on the very opposite side of the table. Physics would normally mount an argument against such a shot happening, but there were no sensors documenting the impossible shot so we can't prove it didn't happen, even though we all know that it didn't. For Morgan to have even reached that shot to return it, he also would have had to have been raised on Guido's planet and been traveling at a speed that would not have allowed him to stop until he went through all of the spectators and both front and rear walls to the Clyde building.

At that point, there was no winning for Lunar Platoon. They were beaten by a higher species and they knew it.

Ted Nougat over Lunar Platoon
21-11

Game 2:

Lollipop Guild (JBrown/JParm) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Things you just shouldn't do:

1. Tug on Superman's cape.
2. Spit into the wind.
3. Pull the mask off the Lone Ranger.
4. Mess around with Slim.
5. Quote Jim Croce songs, because it's going to make you seem like a relic.
6. Spot Junkiebone 6 points at the start of the game.

We've seen this sort of behavior from our old pal JBrown before. Somewhere during rally he goes funny. Maybe it's from playing too close to JParm 5000's fusion core; his equilibrium gets cocked up. Maybe booze would help. I don't know. Whatever it was, he was having some difficulty at the table.

Anyway, and remarkably, Lollipop Guild battled back, pulling to 9-10 at one point. Ye gods! Someone makes a joke, you laugh, pee your pants, and all of a sudden it's nearly tied. Just proves that you must pay attention at all times, kids. It's no joke out there. Stay in school. And bring a spare pair of chonies.

Where was I?

Right, so the Guild stormed back valiantly, but (and this is huge) they were never able to take the lead or even tie. To me, it felt like Junkiebone was in control the entire game, in spite of the tighter scores. It was their game to lose and they didn't botch it. They even had a spare point or two at the end for Joel to threaten a 100-mph pill shot.

Junkiebone over Lollipop Guild
21-17