Tippett Studio's Steve Irwin Memorial Pong Tournament 2006!

Final Thought

2006-09-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

A big thank you to all of the participants and fans. It was a great tournament and I hope we see you again next year.

Now get back to work. Please.

Who's The Big Winner?

2006-09-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

Shelley Campbell walked out of Centre Court $66 wealthier by owning the winning combination of Toss It-over-Junkiebone.

Congratulations, Shelley.

Somebody please escort Shelley to her car tonight.

Biggest Crowd Outburst Of The Day

2006-09-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

When Dougie took a rifle shot in the pills. No joke.

Zing!

Everything was magnified today. That was the heaviest hit in the tournament, bar none.

Celebrity Sighting: Dovi Anderson

2006-09-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

Holy cats! Jonny Tal and Dovi were both on hand to pass the torch.

Great to see you, Dovi. When are you coming back to the real studio?

End Of The Tout

2006-09-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Resident Gimp Kane Brassington avoided surgery today (seriously - they were planning to insert a plate into his leg), but was still unable to come to work, which is a shame, because I saw a lot of people out there clutching a lot of singles finding nobody to gamble with.

Final total: $12

Good enough for a matinee and some popcorn.

Three cheers for a full and speedy recovery for Kane.

Unprecedented Turnout

2006-09-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to everyone who showed up to Championship Day. We made a rough count and estimated 50-60 people in attendance. That may not seem like a huge number, but there's one thing you must remember: There was no booze served at this event.

Unbelievable!!

Today's Action: Day 14 Results!

2006-09-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Junkiebone (Doug/Joel)

What a great day for pong!

The sun was out, the crowd was in full voice, and the competitors were walking the razor's edge. This was the moment. This would decide the champion. Would we have a tight game? Would we have one game or two? Would age win over beauty? Would the boys beat the girl? Would Joel or Jean have their name inscribed on the trophy twice?

If I told you that I had no idea what to write about this game, you'd have to believe me. I'm stumped! It was that good. Words are quite inadequate to describe the action.

Let's start here: this was, by far, the most exciting game of the tournament. I might also go so far as to say that it was the most exciting game of any tournament. No easy points. At least half of the points were won off slams. Nearly every rally was 5 or 6 returns long. All the players were hustling around the court. The entire playing field was in action. The crowd was going ballistic. The biggest lead, if memory serves, was about three, but evaporated quickly enough. No clear advantage for either team. Neither team looking weaker than the other. Every point hotly contested. Neither team giving an inch.

The previous paragraph is a complete grammatical abortion, I know, but eloquence, if I ever had any, has abandoned me like my youthful good looks and my first wife.

Finally...finally...after what felt like a million heart-renching volleys, we got to deuce. Deuce!! In the championship pair! At this point, the crowd was like an over-stimulated mob. I glanced over at Ralves and Steve G and saw something that looked a little like this:

I think you know what I mean.

So, yeah, deuce. We'd only seen it once before in the tournament and it was nearly too much to bear. This, though...this was most definitely too much.

Not just one deuce.

Not two.

Not three.

Not four. Holy cat's pajamas!! Half the crowd felt like they were undergoing Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture! Adam York started dividing down the middle like a single-celled organism. I nearly puked all over Steven Q.

Five deuces!! Five! I finally did puke on Steven Q.

Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!

Toss It over Junkiebone
27-25

The Pong Gods were smiling on the fans today (except, of course, for Steven Q - sorry), because we would be treated to...

Game 2:

endurance |enˈd(y)oŏrəns|

noun

the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way : she was close to the limit of her endurance.
• the capacity of something to last or to withstand wear and tear.

Endurance.

Yes, folks, endurance. It makes me sad to say, but endurance is the bugaboo of the elderly and the province of the young. Just as the older folks in the crowd lost a touch of gusto during the second game, so did Junkiebone. Toss It took the lead on the second service set and never relinquished it or gave any amount of hope to their opponents. After the game, I overheard Joel confide to Doug that after Game #1 he was wiped out. No shame there.

Toss It over Junkiebone
21-11

Let's put a little more shine on Toss It's victory:

- Seven games in four consecutive days.
- Seven consecutive games played. Toss It was a part of every game played since Wednesday. No days or games off.
- Seven straight victories.
- Seven straight elimination game victories. Had they lost any of them, they would have been out of the tournament, including Game #1 today.

Wow.

Bravo.

Things Jonny Tal Wants You To Know

2006-09-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've just been informed by Jonny Tal that Jonny Tal is not nervous and that Jonny Tal was not admitting yesterday that Jonny Tal is expecting to choke in Game 1 today. On the contrary, Jonny Tal says that Jonny Tal is expecting to win the tournament today...

Wait a second. This happened last year. Jonny Tal is not in the championship pair this year.

My bad.

How's The Championship Pair Looking?

2006-09-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

A little something like this:

Titans collide!!

I wouldn't miss this one if I were you.

Junkiebone vs. Toss It!

4:35!

Hyperbole!

2006-09-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

Holy cow! I just crapped my pants thinking about the Championship Matchup!

Toss It!

Junkiebone!

Jean!

Mike B!

Doug!

Joel!

Old school vs. Half New School!

Two former champions!

Two non-former champions!

I can't stop using exclamation points!!

The Tout Board

2006-09-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Tiny Tim still on the disabled list. Perhaps we'll see him Monday for one last hurrah.

Running total: $12

Today's Action: Day 13 Results!

2006-09-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown)

The winner of this game would be the winner of the Loser's Bracket and earn the right to play Junkiebone in the finals. Lollipop Guild traveled deeply into the Winner's Bracket, losing only in the last pairing. If they won, it would be a rematch with Junkiebone for the title. Toss It playing their fifth game in three days, have battled back from the edge of elimination time and time again playing a slew of hotly contested games with no easy victories. Two of the best teams in the tournament, head to head, winner take all, loser goes home. This one, as they say, had all the makings. Would Toss It be worn out from all of the tension or battle tested and stoked on momentum? Would Lollipop Guild be too complacent, never having stared elimination in the face before or would their confidence be the ingredient to stopping Toss It's bum-rush to the top?

The points were tight, the action very fast, but Toss It was able to pick their way to an 8-point advantage that they weren't about to relinquish. Lollipop Guild dug themselves too deep a hole to come back from. They weren't as sharp as they could have been and Toss It couldn't have been much sharper.

Toss It was one point away from elimination without any tournament wins two days ago (remember back to their match with Roscoe P. Coltrane and how they had lost advantage at deuce!) and now they're in the Championship Pair. Unbelievable. Nobody predicted that. Now it's Junkiebone's turn to face the juggernaut.

Toss It over Lollipop Guild
21-12

Two (Or Three) Games Left!

2006-09-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

Too much excitement? You be the judge. Today's game features the newly unstoppable force against the yin/yang of roboticism and hilarity. Toss It vs. Lollipop Guild. The winner will face Junkiebone in the championship pair on Monday!

Zounds! See you out on the court today for a hi-toned battle of wills!

The Tout Board

2006-09-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

Tiny Tim remained home to day to convalesce. No bets today.

Today's Action: Day 12 Results!

2006-09-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Tres Huevos (Jance/Clemens)

Would someone please wake up Clemmy!

The man looked downright sleepy out there today and unfortunately, it was elimination day. I wish I had something more exciting to write, but this one was over right after it started. Toss It blew out to a quick 7-1 lead and the game didn't get much closer. The Huevos nearly pulled into spitting distance at one point, but it was short lived. Toss It had it and Tres Huevos didn't.

Toss It over Tres Huevos
21-11

Game 2:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise)

In reference to Jonny's pants:

Rally Chimp: "Are those the pants of a champion?"
Jonny: "They're better than Kirk's!"
Joel: "He's right!"

Ok, onto the action.

If we had a radar gun, we would have been able to quantify how much faster this game was played over any other in the history of the tournament. I'm not saying that the game was over quickly. I'm saying that the ball was moving! Every shot was hit hard and fast and on the table. It was also the most athletic game I've seen. Everyone was everywhere on the court! Lots of movement, lots of speed, lots of excitement. I'd say that the action was fast and furious, but that phrase has been co-opted by Hollywood and I just won't use it. Unless Paul Walker was playing, which he wasn't. Or if Jessica Alba asked me to, which she didn't.

About halfway through this game, and it was subtle enough that you may have missed it, Jeremie and Ralves saved many lives. The game was so intense and so pressure-packed that people were starting to have physiological trouble. Mel sat next to me and was starting to look like a fish out of water, gasping for air, Steven Q wadded his shirt in his hands like his bowels were obstructed, JBrown was frantically rummaging through his pants pockets for his heart pills, and miles away, as he was recuperating, Kane's ankle inexplicably swelled up to the size of a ripe melon. Just when it looked like all was lost, Jeremie and Ralves succumbed to gravity and almost wound up on their rears as Court #2 miraculously slid out from under them. The screech of metal on pavement was nasty enough that the crowd was temporarily distracted enough for five or six points to go by unnoticed, allowing their bodies to normalize. Hooray! The game continued its frenzied pace through to the end, safely and without the need for paramedics (Sorry, Heather).

Great times.

Toss It over The Dooze
21-12

Toss It wins an unprecedented four games in two days. Congratulations.

Judge Tal

2006-09-21T15:30:00.000-07:00

Jonny Tal says that you're all going down. Anyone have any objections?

- image by Ralves

It's Coming Down To The Wire!

2006-09-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

If you've only been a casual observer, now is the time to really get focused. There are five teams left in the tournament and every game will be jam-packed with excitement. Grab your singles and be ready to bet. Grab your wig so it doesn't fly off.

Game on!

Teams remaining:

Junkiebone (winner of the Winner's Bracket)
Lollipop Guild
The Dooze
Tres Huevos
Toss It

Tout Down!

2006-09-20T17:54:00.000-07:00

Only serious injury could keep Kane away from wagering and that's just what happened. He broke his ankle and will now be playing Tiny Tim in this year's Christmas Pageant.

Repeat after me: "God bless us, every one!"

No money in, but plenty of insurance money out.

Today's Action: Day 11 Results!

2006-09-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Roscoe P. Coltrane (Ryan/Jeremie)

Best game ever and it spawned the best quote ever.

"Shut Up!"
- Jean Shen

First deuce of the tournament. First team uniforms of the tournament. First pants-peeing of the tournament (the puddle was unattended, so we can't assign ownership). If you were there, you know what I'm talking about. If you missed it, you picked a bad day to be out taking a constitutional and have no idea what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Hello.

Toss It over Roscoe P. Coltrane
23-21

Game 2:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Weenie Beenie (Nate/Jess)

Right off the bat, this game had no chance to hold the audience's attention. How could you top the previous game? Wolverines jumping through flaming hoops above the table? Yeah, that would be one way.

Toss It, warmed up and ready to go, started through Weenie Beenie like a hot knife through soft butter. Ouch. They opened a decent lead and everyone's attention seemed to wander, until the mob realized something very interesting. Weenie Beenie were starting to hold serve very, very well. If they could steal a few points off the opposition's service, they could catch up. Jess and Nate put on a display of team service that I feel is the best we've seen. I think they were getting four out of every five. They tied it up! For the love of Mary Jane Girls! Comeback! Could we make deuce again? Two matches in a row?? Could Toss It withstand that sort of torque!

20-19! Weenie Beenie serving for deuce!!

Aww, nuts...

Toss It over Weenie Beenie
21-19

Wrong Sport, Right Idea

2006-09-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing this year's tournament is sorely missing, it's the pill shot. C'mon, folks. It's a spectator sport. It's entertainment. Give the crowd something to cheer about! Sure, blistering serves and impossible returns are fun and games, but nothing beats the pill shot on the comedy scale. America's Funniest Home Videos stayed on the air for a decade or more (is it still on the air?) feeding the nation an embarrassment of people getting hit in the peanuts by a nearly infinite array of devices and objects. We're not smart. We don't need Noel Coward out there. We need a small, orange sphere speeding into someone's dice cup.

You don't even need to hit a competitor! There are plenty of innocent bystanders standing very close by. A smorgasboard of targets. The least you could do is give us one money shot per day.

Please.

New Team Photographer!

2006-09-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

Marko is fired. Ryan Hood is the new photographer and the new Telly Savalas...unless I don't see any photos, then he's fired, too.

Welcome aboard, Ryan. Here's a lollipop...

The Tout Board

2006-09-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

Kane won $4 today, all coming in and none going out. It's turning into Sucker Showcase out there.

Running total: $12

Double digits!

Today's Action: Day 10 Results!

2006-09-19T17:08:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

Flashback!

"Adam's heretofore unseen slamming prowess was nothing that anyone would have predicted. I'll give you that. But let's talk about Guido."

Yeah, well that was yesterday, people. We were treated to a pong spectacular yesterday, but yesterday's gone and today is a new day and we've got one less team in the tournament. Not sure where the love or the mojo went, but it was not Ted Nougat's day. Their strategy was impeccable, albeit very obvious, as everyone in the stadium was yelling, "Hit it to Blaise's backhand!!" It worked to perfection (can you say, "Major weakness?") when the ball stayed on the table, but alas, it didn't stay on often enough. I really thought that Adam was ready to tear his own head off his own neck. I have a feeling it was that Wisconsin Opry shirt he was wearing. Honestly, who wears that to an elimination game? Sure, in the first round, when you have a loss to give, it's fine. In the Loser's Bracket, though? It's like trying a new hairstyle before your wedding, isn't it? You wear your orange, you wear your black, you wear your G. G. Allin, but....Wisconsin Dells? Maybe it's so high-ended a strategy that I can't get my smooth brain around it. It's possible. I'm as sharp as a marble sometimes.

The Dooze over Ted Nougat
21-17

Hard To Believe

2006-09-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

Not a single pill shot today. None. Zero. Nil.

A sad day for pong. Maybe you people can focus a little more tomorrow. Jeepers...

Celebrity Sighting: Michael Cullen

2006-09-18T17:42:00.000-07:00

Great to see you out there, Michael!

The Tout Board

2006-09-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

Kane won $3 today, all coming in and none going out. I don't know what was wrong last week, but Kane's on his game again and would like me to remind everyone to bring in singles tomorrow. He's not running a charity, people.

Running total: $8

Today's Action: Day 9 Results!

2006-09-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Lunar Platoon (Gibby/Morgan) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

Adam's heretofore unseen slamming prowess was nothing that anyone would have predicted. I'll give you that. But let's talk about Guido.

A year and a month ago, Guido served up some magic that was not to be believed. (Click here to refresh your memory.) We know for a fact that Morgan is from the Moon, but we still haven't determined the identity of Guido's home planet. And we know that he's not from here because he pulled that shit again! With the scores hovering closely together, somewhere around 5-5, Lunar Platoon was putting the finishing touches on a rally by pinpointing a shot where nobody could possibly return it, much less have hope for returning it in play. Well, where no human could return it, anyway. Guido glided in on silent jets to a location alongside the net, yet under the height of the table, aligned himself parallel to Earth's horizon, returned the shot on an angle only one degree different than the through-line of the net, and landed the ball in play on the very opposite side of the table. Physics would normally mount an argument against such a shot happening, but there were no sensors documenting the impossible shot so we can't prove it didn't happen, even though we all know that it didn't. For Morgan to have even reached that shot to return it, he also would have had to have been raised on Guido's planet and been traveling at a speed that would not have allowed him to stop until he went through all of the spectators and both front and rear walls to the Clyde building.

At that point, there was no winning for Lunar Platoon. They were beaten by a higher species and they knew it.

Ted Nougat over Lunar Platoon
21-11

Game 2:

Lollipop Guild (JBrown/JParm) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Things you just shouldn't do:

1. Tug on Superman's cape.
2. Spit into the wind.
3. Pull the mask off the Lone Ranger.
4. Mess around with Slim.
5. Quote Jim Croce songs, because it's going to make you seem like a relic.
6. Spot Junkiebone 6 points at the start of the game.

We've seen this sort of behavior from our old pal JBrown before. Somewhere during rally he goes funny. Maybe it's from playing too close to JParm 5000's fusion core; his equilibrium gets cocked up. Maybe booze would help. I don't know. Whatever it was, he was having some difficulty at the table.

Anyway, and remarkably, Lollipop Guild battled back, pulling to 9-10 at one point. Ye gods! Someone makes a joke, you laugh, pee your pants, and all of a sudden it's nearly tied. Just proves that you must pay attention at all times, kids. It's no joke out there. Stay in school. And bring a spare pair of chonies.

Where was I?

Right, so the Guild stormed back valiantly, but (and this is huge) they were never able to take the lead or even tie. To me, it felt like Junkiebone was in control the entire game, in spite of the tighter scores. It was their game to lose and they didn't botch it. They even had a spare point or two at the end for Joel to threaten a 100-mph pill shot.

Junkiebone over Lollipop Guild
21-17

No Pong Today!

2006-09-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

Let's see if we can get two games on Monday. One game per day does not excitement make.

I encourage you all to step away from the table and get some sun. It's good for you.

The Tout Board

2006-09-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

Kane netted $4 today, all coming in and none going out. In everyone's face!

Running total: $5

Hurry up and play the lottery, Kane! Today's your lucky day.

Today's Action: Day 8 Results!

2006-09-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Tres Huevos (Clemens/Jance) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Dueling orange shirts! Clemens and Joel both tried the orange shirt ploy today. You see, if you wear an orange shirt, what with the ball being orange and all, your opponent can't really get a fix on the ball until it's right on top of them and way too late.

In theory, anyway.

This looked to be Doug and Joel's first big test. They got through some soft opponents in previous games, so this should have been a good judge of how well they'd do. We've seen what Clemens can do when he's sharp and apparently Jance was ridiculously good at break. This had all the makings...

Again, in theory.

Seems that Jance left his game back in time at 1:30 and forgot to bring it with him. The newly slimmed-down Clemens ripped off a few really nifty slams, but was missing as often as he was hitting and got so frustrated that he tried to pill Joel...on his serve! That was a new one. Did anyone have a bet down on that?

The Huevos fell behind by a million, caught up to within six, but the magic ran out. Ding-dong.

Junkiebone over Tres Huevos
21-13

Note To Rally Chimp: Use Your Head

2006-09-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

Oy.

Guido informed me days ago that he was unavailable to play today. He'll be in the trainer's room today at break, getting a little physical therapy on that knee so he'll last through this marathon of a tournament.

So, a few more painkillers for Guido, a few less for Rally Chimp. Tall, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son...

Can I Get A Burger With That Shake?

2006-09-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

A girl actually said that to me in college as she was walking behind me and staring at my butt. Not exactly sure what she meant, but the fact that she was cute, staring at my scrawny rear, and not convulsing seemed pretty cool at the time.

We're deep into the bracket now and things are heating up. The Winner's Bracket is getting very narrow and we've already had some casualties in the Loser's Bracket. Nobody wants to give an inch, nobody wants to lose, everyone is looking for the killing blow. Now is a perfect time to get excited. Please speak with your doctor before jumping on the bandwagon. People with hypertension, gout, shingles, piles, the grippe, heart trouble, and women who are pregnant may want to skip this ride.

Bracket Breakdown:

Winner's Bracket:

Tres Huevos
Junkiebone
Lollipop Guild

Loser's Bracket:

The Dooze
Lunar Platoon
Ted Nougat
Toss It
Roscoe P. Coltrane
Weenie Beenie

Eliminated:
Quirk
Cannon Fodder
El Vez

Today's Games:

Lunar Platoon vs. Ted Nougat (Elimination Game!)

Tres Huevos vs. Junkiebone

See you at break!

The Tout Board

2006-09-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

Kane netted $2 today, with $2 coming in and none going out.

Running total: $1

He can almost buy himself a Pepsi from the machine.

Upcoming Match-ups!

2006-09-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

Just to entice you, get an eyeful of these flaming hot tilts!

Tres Huevos vs. Junkiebone!

Lunar Platoon vs. Ted Nougat!

Toss It vs. Roscoe P. Coltrane!

The action will be so sick that you shouldn't count on your bowels to hold. Bring an extra pair of pants.

The Bets Are Getting Strange

2006-09-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

The oddest one today: Will John K make an appearance at Centre Court?

Those who bet on "yes" went home a little shy.

Next thing you know, they'll be betting on Jean Shen: skirt or pants?

Today's Action: Day 7 Results!

2006-09-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Cannon Fodder (Jim Meyer/Davy) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

The next time you see Davy, thank him for participating and smoothing the bracket.

The next time you see Jim Meyer, thank him for participating and ask him about his painted toes! Fancy!

And just so I can pad this entry, can anyone tell me how good or bad Ted Nougat is? Nearly two weeks into the tournament and we have no better fix on them than before the team was even formed. The perfect wild card. One thing is sure. We'll know more when they meet their next opponent: Lunar Platoon.

Ted Nougat over Cannon Fodder
21-6

The Tout Board

2006-09-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

Kane netted -$1 today, with $3 going out and $2 coming in.

Running total: -$1

I told you that now was the time to strike. Get to fleecing!

Today's Action: Day 6 Results!

2006-09-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

El Vez (Will/Ralves) vs. Weenie Beenie (Nate/Jess)

Another elimination game. Someone was going home. But who? Right from the get-go, you could tell that all the players wanted another game. Nobody was ready to go home yet. Ralves was still using the lightsaber paddle, but lo and behold, it seemed as though he'd actually gained some mastery over it. Will played to the crowd, but only at a 35% rate, well below his usual 87%. They were on target and keeping the score close. Nate worked his patented Twister serve (Auntie Em! Auntie Em!) to keep Beenie slightly ahead. Jess was working the entire playing surface and El Vez started to fall behind. Down by 7 in the late stages of the game, it looked like the end. Finding a resolve they may not have thought they had, El Vez forged on, tightened the score, and scared the pants off Weenie Beenie and Rebecca Warner (you were probably too focused on the game to notice). El Vez down by two! 18-16! Tasty pudding!

Alas, there wasn't quite enough in the tank. Beenie pulled its game back together and their pants back up and finished the job.

Weenie Beenie over El Vez
21-16

Game 2:

The Dooze (Jonny T/Blaise) vs. Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown)

Kirk: "I guess The Dooze is the Darth Vader of the tournament. Nobody wants them to win."
Brian: "Worse than that. They're Anakin."

Ouch! It hurts, but it's true. From the very first point, the crowd was heavily favoring the Lollipop Guild. Judging by the cheering at 1-0, you'd have thought that JParm had stepped onto the surface of Jupiter and JBrown offered to give everyone a million in cash. The Guild breezed through first service and led 4-1, but The Dooze caught up soon enough. This was going to be tight!

The next sound we heard could be described as the Dooze's wheels exploding then coming off, combined with a freight train wreck, mixed with an avalanche in the Alps, and a carton of eggs hitting the kitchen floor. The Dooze...wow. Words fail me (you wish!). The sound that we heard after that could be described as pure glee. The crowd was loving it! This was the most lopsided win in the tournament and fans nearly burst into flames from happiness. The Dooze absolutely fell apart as the Guild ripped off something like twelve straight points. One minute it was 8-6, the next it was 19-8. Unreal. Even JParm was flabbergasted, as suggested by his I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-but-I'm-glad-I'm-on-this-side-of-the-table look. Blaise became even more tightly wrapped as things unraveled (ironic!) and whistled a shot into JBrown's dice, hoping to swing the momentum, but there was no turning this tide.

Why is it that we love to hate The Dooze? When did they turn into the Oakland Raiders? Do we even care?

Everyone needs a villain.

Lollipop Guild over The Dooze
21-9

Lunar Platoon's Pregame Ritual

2006-09-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

The comic stylings of Morgan and Gibby.

(Note: If you're mildly dyslexic, typing "Gibby" very easily becomes "Biggy," which is pretty darned funny for a second or two.)

A Man Who Needs No Introduction

2006-09-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

Adolphe Menjou: Hollywood royalty, ladies man, pong aficionado...as far as you know.

Fortunes Falling!

2006-09-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

As you can see by the Tout Board, the time to strike is now. Kane has completely lost his winning touch, just like investors in 1929 completely lost their minds.

If you're of a mind to make a million, head down to Centre Court tomorrow with a fistful of dollars and make your killing.

The Tout Board

2006-09-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

Kane netted -$3 today, with $3 going out and none coming in.

Running total: $0

Today's Action: Day 5 Results!

2006-09-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

El Vez (Will/Ralves) vs. Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown)

Have you ever seen the movie Undead? It's a zombie movie where the local sheriff goes from being a mincing pansy in one shot to a take-charge blowhard the next, and the de-facto male lead stands motionless one moment and then moves with Matrix-style pseudo-martial-arts ability the next. After about ten minutes of having every character ping-pong back and forth between wildly disparate personality traits, my wife turned to me and asked, "What other movies have you got?" I couldn't blame her, but we let the movie run since there were elements that were mildly entertaining, albeit with absolutely no emotional investment from us. It was like ninety minutes of card tricks; nothing to get too excited about.

So, Ralves came out with his lightsaber paddle, Will let the first serve go past him while saying, "I didn't like that one," and someone turned to me and said, "What other games have we got?"

Lollipop Guild over El Vez
21-12

Game 2:

Lunar Platoon (Gibby/Morgan) vs. Quirk (Kirko/Stephen Q)

"This is like watching Joe Pesci opening for Eddie Murphy."
- Brian Smith

I told Brian that I had no idea what that meant. He corrected himself and said that it was like watching Joe Piscopo opening for Eddie Murphy. I still didn't understand, but I did feel that he was on the right track regardless.

This was the first elimination game of the tournament, so naturally there was a little more at stake. The loser would go home empty handed. The winner would get to continue on and have every game from here on out be an elimination game, as well. Welcome to the Loser's Bracket, where the pressure is so thick you can swirl it into a wafer cone and add rainbow sprinkles.

After Morgan woke Gibby up from his afternoon nap, it was game on. Safe to say that this was the game with the most points played below waist level. Lots of solidly hit balls ticking the net, causing the players to adjust their positioning and scoop a lot of knee-high returns. Thrilling play all the way, with the extra burden of playing with the Pong Reaper hovering just behind. Tim D came to the court looking to wager on the game going to Deuce and everyone, including the Pong Reaper, thought he was nuts. Little did we know how close we'd get.

The score was 15-20, with Q serving. Five genius serves to Morgan and we'd be looking at the tightest game yet and Tim D putting a downpayment on a house. First serve: Morgan couldn't handle the wily spins! 16-20! Second serve: Point to Quirk! Morgan was having a devil of a time! Third serve...

There is no joy in Quirkville; Mighty Q has struck out. Nothing but air.

Lunar Platoon over Quirk
21-17

Scientific Game Analysis

2006-09-11T10:18:00.000-07:00

Working through the night, local scientists were able to pinpoint a weakness in Lunar Platoon's game, which Tres Huevos exploited to earn a victory Friday.

It's been discovered that Gibby is completely blind.

- photo copyright 2006 Jess Vickery

Scenes We'd Like To See

2006-09-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

"I want to see some action like this on the court!"

- Genevieve McMahon

Well, players? Can we see it?

The Tout Board

2006-09-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

Kane netted -$2 today, with $1 coming in and $3 going out.

Running total: $3

Today's Action: Day 4 Results!

2006-09-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Tres Huevos (Clemens/Jance) vs. Lunar Platoon (Morgan/Gibby)

Having your inaugural game against newly crowned prohibitive favorite Lunar Platoon is not really how you'd choose to open your tournament play, especially as a rookie, like Michael Clemens of Tres Huevos. The pressure cooker of Centre Court is nearly too much for seasoned pros. Add Gibby's Drunken Master Style and Morgan's genius with our gravity and it's a recipe for disaster.

What we didn't realize is that Tres Huevos had something up its sleeve, as well. Their "poor us" routine had everyone fooled into thinking this would be a cakewalk of Cannon Fodder-ish proportions. They couldn't possibly win, right? Well, eyes and ears perked up when Tres Huevos forged a ten point lead built upon solid play, timely spikes, and an avalanche of biffs by Lunar Platoon. What in the name of stingray barbs was going on? Will slumped visibly as his vacation money went spiraling into Kane's pocket, having bet on the favorites. Gibby and Morgan's joints went all limp as they drug themselves around the court like ragdolls, the deficit building insurmountably. Seriously, they looked like marionettes that even their puppetmaster had given up on.

The score tightened a little bit, but truthfully, this one wasn't as close as the score would indicate.

Who will be the new King?

Tres Huevos over Lunar Platoon
21-15

Game 2:

Roscoe P. Coltrane (Jeremie/Chuck) vs. The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise)

...bonesaw...

Bonesaw

Bonesaw!

Bonesaw!!

BONESAW!!!

BONESAW!!!!!

Who cares if they lost?

The Dooze over Roscoe P. Coltrane
21-17

The Bonesaw

2006-09-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

After his defeat in last year's tournament, Chuck Duke stated, "I'm retiring the Bedazzler..." For those who don't remember, The Bedazzler was his beloved paddle, complete with gun handle, rosary talisman, and disco ball embellishment. A lot of people thought, "Oh, he's just emotional now. The Bedazzler will be back." True to his word and against popular opinion, Chuck has indeed retired The Bedazzler from competition. The replacement? The Bonesaw.

Feast your eyes. In the eyes of the league, this paddle is completely legal. Are you kidding? F@#$ yeah.

Definition

2006-09-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

A shot to the pills is defined as when the ping pong ball hits a player or observer in the pills, or in the case of Jean Shen, the pillular area, regardless of whether it was a direct or deflected shot. If the ball hits the pills, it counts. Speed, trajectory, or number of ricochets prior to connection with the pills does not factor into whether or not a shot is a true pillshot. While a direct hit is certainly more satisfying, a deflected shot is no less legitimate.

Keep this in mind when wagering on this particular aspect of the games from here on out.

The Tout Board

2006-09-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

Kane netted $1 today, with $2 coming in and $1 going out.

Running total: $5

Today's Action: Day 3 Results!

2006-09-07T17:11:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Cannon Fodder (Jim Meyer/Davy) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Safe to say that Junkiebone was heavily favored for today's tilt. This might actually be a massive understatement along the lines of:

- there was a malfunction on the Hindenburg,
- the Black Knight suffered a mere flesh wound at the hands of King Arthur, and
- Custer had a bad day at Little Big Horn

Regardless, Cannon Fodder is a fan favorite, quite possibly because both team members smiled during the course of a single game. I believe this is the first time this has happened. They may have even been smiling simultaneously at one point, which is most definitely unprecedented.

Please, let's give Davy and Jim a round of applause for being good sports. Seriously: Bravo, gents.

Junkiebone over Cannon Fodder
21-11

The Bracket

2006-09-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

This is the bracket that we're using for the duration of the tournament. As you can see, some teams will have to play one more game than others. This is a fact of life when you've got twelve teams. It would have been more cocked up had we not squeezed out that twelfth team, believe me.

We're finished with all of the first round games, with four teams going to the Loser's Bracket and four teams remaining in the Winner's Bracket to play the teams with the first round byes.

I'll have a hard copy of this bracket with me during break when the games are played, with the team names filled in the appropriate slots.

Let me know if you have any questions. Please state them in the form of a question and not in the form of a whine.

He's At It Again!

2006-09-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

You all remember Kane, right? The guy who emptied out your wallets in last year's tournament? Yeah, well, guess what. He's raking it in again! He took on all bettors and every wacky wager sent his way and cleaned up to the tune of 4 for 4. How does he do it?

He'll be out there again today, money in hand, no doubt. Are you going to take his success as an opportunity to be small and shrink from risk or see it as a chance to bring down the king? Are you going to be Biff or McFly?

The Quotable Chuck Duke

2006-09-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

"He's licked that thing into a Dr. Seuss shape!"
- Chuck Duke

Smack dab in the middle of Game 2 action yesterday, Chuck Duke was mesmerized by a sight that had nothing to do with pong. He had a plum seat courtside, yet was looking past the table at none other than the Late John K and his daily Sugar Daddy, which he had indeed sculpted into a hypnotizing curlicue configuration not unlike a fanciful Dr. Seuss-like creation. Once Chuck brought the confection to my attention, I honestly had trouble looking at anything else, too. To the naked eye, it certainly seemed like we were enjoying the game, but if you looked closely you would have seen that our eyes never followed the ball.

Today's Action: Day 2 Results!

2006-09-06T18:33:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

The Dooze (Jonny/Blaise) vs. Quirk (Stephen Q/Kirk)

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but was this the most ornery game of table tennis you've ever seen? Did anyone crack a smile? Did one single participant seem to be enjoying themselves in the least? Did any of the players not look like they were in horrible anguish? Jiminy crackers, people, it's a pong tournament, not the Cuban Missile Crisis! For the love of low blood pressure, lighten up! I haven't seen faces that grim since Brezhnev was in office, threatening to blow up the U.S. every other day.

Jeepers!

Ok, where was I?

Raise your hand if you felt a little bad for Kirk. My hand is up. Not in a pitying way, but Blaise just looked a little too...oh, what's the word...psychotic in his quest to not just defeat Quirk, but to actually destroy them, and unfortunately for Kirk, he had to return all of Blaise's shots. For that matter, I can't be entirely sure that Blaise didn't finish the game, hop in his truck, and hunt down Kirk's whole family tree. The kid was intense! Kirk wore his lucky pong pants today, but to no avail. He didn't take one in the pills, but the York bloodline was ended by a shot that whistled through the center of Kirk's paddle.

Someone please ask Andy to show up to the next Dooze game with the studio tranquilizer gun...

The Dooze over Quirk
21-9

Game 2:

Weenie Beenie (Jess/Nate) vs. Junkiebone (Joel/Doug)

Ever seen a man dislocate his elbow...again and again and again? Watch Nate Reid serve and you can answer that question in the affirmative. He's one of the few players on the tour who does a full-body serve. I'm guessing that even his toes curl up in some sort of odd configuration before he unfurls that service. Holy!

And while we're here asking all sorts of questions, has any one seen this model Joel since he won the tournament back in 2003? Dude, the guy was smoking hot and laser-accurate. Seriously, he hasn't been this sharp in a while, and Doug, who hasn't been seen on the court at all since 2003, is certainly the beneficiary of Joel's refocus.

Junkiebone took this one, but only a fool counts out Weenie Beenie. Once Jess bScrews his game back up to rat 1, it's going to get nutty.

Junkiebone over Weenie Beenie
21-16

Eye Spy With My Little Eye: John K!

2006-09-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, celebrity stalkers, that was the Late John K you saw at Centre Court today. John K was enjoying a Sugar Daddy and reveling in it's awesomely rich caramel...from beyond the grave!!

Yeah!

Today's Action: Day 1 Results!

2006-09-05T17:14:00.000-07:00

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Yeah, the crowd was a little nuts today...

Game 1:

Lollipop Guild (JParm/JBrown) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam/Guido)

A robust crowd! Willing participants! Money on the table! It's tournament time!

After what seemed like an interminable volley for serve, followed by three more service volleys and one more for good luck, play actually started and it sounded something like this:

Pfft!

JParm apparently thought he was still volleying, because he biffed the first three shots. What the?! Someone remarked that JParm never blows that many shots in a row. He also never has a second cup of coffee at home! What was going on?? Was there a strategy or did he just stink? Was JParm trying to do the impossible, send his team to the Loser's Bracket just so he could make a show of winning the championship by running the table from behind the 8-ball? Well, whatever he was up to, he and JBrown made amends toot short and before you knew it, the score was knotted at 5. Great times! The crowd was into it now. Guido, always solid, used his veteran wiles to keep the ball in play. The play of the wild card, the previously unknown entity known as Adam York, was a bit of a shock, though. You know how, in war movies, when the good guys are hunkered behind the big rock and the enemy is pinging shots all around them and the ricocheting bullets sound a little something like ""p-Tiiiiing!"? Well, that's what some of Adam's shots sounded like. CRACK-p-Tiiing! Holy! He was rifling shots all over the table, some returned, some not, but is it hot in here or did the overall level of expected play just rise in here? Very exciting stuff. All players were at the top of their games. Tres cool!

The game was tight until about 12, but the J's put their heads together and took advantage of some misplays and pulled away. Nougat mounted a mini-comeback to tighten the score to 16-20, but it was too late.

The Lollipop Guild over Ted Nougat
21-16

And what's this? Is it true? Do we really have...

Game 2?:

Toss It (Jean/Mike B) vs. Lunar Platoon (Gibby/Morgan)

After taking attendance, we found that we were one person short of a second game. Guido disappeared into the Animation department with a knurled club and returned with Gibby in tow. Holy! I was told that Gibby went home drunk, but apparently I was misinformed! Game on!

The fans were treated to a marquee matchup very early in the tournament. Toss It had been bandied about in many circles as being one of the true favorites, but Gibby is never to be underestimated. The key was Morgan. Could he keep up with the heavy hitters? What the audience did not know is that Morgan was outed at the company picnic as being from the Moon. He's new on our planet. Morgan can do things with our gravity that we Earthlings can only dream of. How would that come into play? Is he just toying with us?

The contestants approached the table and Mike B was greeted with a rousing chorus of boos, proving that his new reformation, as evidenced by the pink "Humble" hat he was wearing, was not fully embraced by the crowd at large. Service rally was considerably shorter and the match was on.

CRACK P-TIIING CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK P-TIIIING CRACK P-TIIING!!!!!

Crikey! It was like a shooting gallery out there! Blaise, Ralves and Heather scurried to safer locales to protect their future ability to conceive or bear children, lest they take an errant shot in the pills or the pillular region. People put their hands in their pockets to avoid the embarrassment of having them sheared off accidentally. The pace was fast and most definitely furious. It seemed that every point was a slam with an impossible counter slam, followed by two more slams, which were also not to be believed. This was it! If pong could be like this all the time, Heaven would be here on Earth (or the Moon, in Morgan's case, I guess). Lunar Platoon worked their way to a slight advantage and held on for a very dramatic win. The unthinkable had occurred. Toss It had been sent to the Loser's Bracket.

Lunar Platoon over Toss It
21-16

Tribute

2006-09-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

To honor the passing of the world's beloved Crocodile Hunter, this year's pong tournament will heretofore be known as Tippett Studio's Steve Irwin Memorial Pong Tournament 2006.

Crikey, indeed.

Dentistry

2006-09-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

Here we are, first day of the tournament, and would someone please tell me why I'm having so much trouble finding four complete teams to play! For a bunch of folks excited to play a pong tournament (so excited, in fact, that you've been bugging me for months!), you have an odd way of showing it. It's like pulling teeth getting you people organized!

Anyway, we've got ONE game on for today. One measly game. Well, we've got to start somewhere. Maybe everyone's still on vacation, either mentally or physically. I have a feeling that things will pick up as the week continues.

One measly game ON!

Opening Day Schedule

2006-09-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

Who's ready to play?

Here are the matchups for Tuesday, September 5th, 2006. Please be prompt as we don't want to have to rush!

First game:

Junkiebone (Joel & Doug) vs. Weenie Beenie (Jess & Nate)

Second game:

Lollipop Guild (JParm & JBrown) vs. Ted Nougat (Adam York & Guido)

Get your ticket and we'll see you out there!

- artwork copywright 2006 Michael Clemens

Teams Announced!

2006-08-31T15:59:00.000-07:00

With no ado whatsoever, here are your Tippett Studio Pong Tournament 2006 teams!

Toss It:
Jean Shen and Mike Brunet

Junkiebone:
Joel Friesch and Doug Epps

The Dooze:
Blaise Panfalone and Jonny Tal

The Lollipop Guild:
Jason Armstrong and James Brown

Weenie Beenie:
Jess Vickery and Nate Reid

Tres Huevos:
Jance Rubinchik and Michael Clemens

Roscoe P. Coltrane:
Jeremie Talbot and Chuck Duke

Quirk:
Steven Quinones-Colon and Kirk Larkins

El Vez:
Will Groebe and Robert Alves

Lunar Platoon:
Morgan Loomis and Tom Gibbons

Ted Nougat:
Adam York and Guido Muzzarelli

Cannon Fodder:
Jim Meyer and Davy Wentworth

Please note that this will be the last time I use people's full names for the duration of the tournament, maybe the duration of my life. There is no "Jason Armstrong," only "JParm."

Our First Fan

2006-08-31T10:42:00.000-07:00

If you check the comments section of the "Participant Pool" posting, you'll see a note from someone named "donna." Apparently "donna" is ready to get this thing started! I am, too.

Teams will be posted this afternoon!

Schedules will be posted tomorrow!

Games will start in earnest on Monday!

Let's go!

And let's give a warm welcome to "donna." We're glad to have you aboard.

Two New Players!

2006-08-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Please welcome Davy Wentworth and Jim Meyer to the tournament. No, really. You should welcome them. They have very graciously joined for the sole purpose of rounding out the field to twelve teams, instead of the uneven eleven. They have admitted their lack of pong expertise up front and are entering purely altruistically.

Well done, gents. Thank you.

Cub Photographer Appointed

2006-08-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

Based on his stellar work during last year's tournament, our own Eric Marko has been named Official Photographer of Tippett Studio Pong Tournament 2006. Hail, hail!

For those of you who don't know Marko, you need know only one thing: Marko is often referred to as the new Telly Savalas, because like Telly, whatever Marko wants, Marko gets.

Who loves you, baby?

Participant Pool

2006-08-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

We're mere days away from Opening Ceremonies for Tippett Studio Pong Tournament 2006! Here are your players:

Jean Shen
Guido Muzzarelli
Mike Brunet
Joel Friesch
Tom Gibbons
Doug Epps
Jonny Tal
Adam York
Blaise Panfalone
Morgan Loomis
Robert Alves
Will Groebe
Jason Armstrong
Kirk Larkins
Jess Vickery
Steven Quinones-Colon
James Brown
Chuck Duke
Nate Reid
Jeremie Talbot
Jance Rubinchik
Michael Clemens

Twenty-two entrants, 11 teams. I can't wait to attempt to wrestle a bracket out of 11 teams. That's going to be fun.

Teams will be randomly chosen and posted very shortly. Stand by. Continue working, of course, but just be ready. You don't have to keep refreshing this site all day. That would be silly.

Thanks to all who are participating. It's going to be a hoot.

Coming Soon!

2006-08-15T18:02:00.000-07:00